The more i grow the more difficult it becomes for me to keep the great FACADE at family lunches.
Please don’t get me wrong i love my immediate family (mother, sisters, brother, nieces and nephews ) i would give up anything to have them around me more often. there’s no place like home, the feeling they give me is immeasurable.
The depression comes from the extended family members ( the step mothers, the aunts, the uncles and the half siblings) it has become increasingly harder to take any of their phone calls and has got me to a point were i don’t take them at all. i fell like i genuinely have finally forgiven, understood and let go but there’s no foundation to lean back. i feel joy and relief for escaping and guilt for being the one that got away.
I love the idea of being one big family and doing family things but i honestly don’t feel close to any of them and it becomes pointless at the end. i have struggled with this for many years before i arrived at a point of my enoughness. i love my mother and my sisters, my brother was my best friend growing up but ever since i decided to move to a different town we have drifted apart immensely, we talk once or twice a month and if i am lucky the conversation would go on for over five minutes. The family dynamics has costed me the time to bond with the ones i love. If i am home to see my mother i would not leave without seeing her sister wives and their children, it is considered rude and bizarre and has put me off over the years to a point where i would make up any excuse just so i wouldn’t go at all.
I have spent two Christmases with friends and one alone as opposed to being at the Christmas lunches with family members who are secret and not so secret haters. i was raised with the concept of family being all you have and forgiveness but i honestly don’t care for my family intensely the way it seems everyone else does. i cannot count the number of times i have prayed to God to bless me enough so i can take my mother and my sisters far away from there. All i wish for them is genuine happiness and not live in a space where their faith in God is tested in the most agonizing form of emotional abuse. I love how their spirits keeps fermenting though they get stronger as they grow, they are amazing.
Christmas is coming up and i just had a conversation with my little sister the other day and i was telling her how much i want to come home because i miss them and the kids so much but i cant help the exhaustion that comes with the thought of being around the whole family. I could tell she was hurt from the way she responded, she sighed and said “Fikile you have to protect your joy”. that cut deep, i was thinking what about her joy and everyone else’s then i thought to myself that if i do go this time i am really going to sacrifice my happiness just to see my mother, i know it will make her happy to see me there.
Its hard being an adult.
Then being black.
Then being from a polygamous family and being at a place where i can see that my mother is abused along with us and has impossible choices to make. I feel so much compassion for her shes doing her absolute best with the little resources that she has and for that i am grateful so as much as i feel it is important to protect ones joy i also feel like i need to be there for the people who genuinely show me love.
Thank you for being here…