forget society, get your life!!!

So yesterday i had a very interesting conversation with two male acquaintances and a friend of mine. At first i felt offended and attacked but then i became fully aware that it was just another typical conversation i would have with members of society even though the conversation was about me i realized that society is a curious system and there’s no running away from that peculiarity even if you wanted to . The conversation was basically focused on me and how i couldn’t afford other “important things’ in my my life but s till manage to have my hair, nails and outfits on point almost every time.

If i tell you i am broke i am not lying. my brokeness is categorized, i might be “i cant loan you that certain amount of money” broke but that does not mean i am “i cant afford to take myself out for lunch” broke. one of the guys said to me ” you cant tell me you are broke when you’re wearing your hair like that and that face flawless like that “(i had a Brazilian lace frontal wig). i wondered if i am supposed to be out there looking like a despairing disorder about to explode and invite value-less pity over my life simply because i cant afford certain things. i have grown to learn that pity does not get you anywhere in life instead it just increases the number of people who think they know you based on what they see on the outside.

Society prefers you looking dusty and pale. This gives them something to talk about. they begin to feel sorry for you and somehow forget about their own misery suddenly they feel its better to deal with your issues instead of confronting their own.

Here are my two cent tips:

🌻Pick your struggles wisely.

🌻Choose youre listners discreetly.

🌻Avoid people who make you feel less of a human because they they think they are existing better than you.

🌻leave people who are unworthy of your time out of your personal space.

🌻Don’t explain yourself if its unnecessary.

🌻Don’t take every things too deep, be easy on yourself.

🌻Work on your self-esteem, believe in your capabilities, love who you are, have a vision about your life and constantly work on that dream.

🌻Trust your process no matter how slow it may seem.

🌻Pray about it or if not visualize your life over a glass of anything you enjoy.

🌻S.L.A.Y 💅💕

Imagine loosing years of happiness that you’re never going to get back simply because you cant live the life you desire. happiness is a choice, make it! forget what the next people would say about you. You need to let people talk because that’s what they are there for. There’s no growth in misery and there’s simply no getting better until you shift your mindset and start listening to that inner voice you’ve been avoiding so much.

🌻🌻🌻SIMPLY LIVE.

@vfikile @daringwoman @writters @booslay @vfikile @glamourmagazine @bloggerstribe #bloggersloveshare #paidbloggingjobs

I CAN RELATE TO A FEW BUT CAN CAN YOU?

_ The one where you are with your partner and missing the love of your life.

_ The one where you sitting amongst a group of successful friends and they are planning a trip overseas but you can only imagine what it feels like to have extra cash to travel.

_ The one where you want to exhale all your problems but theres nobody to vent to.

_ The one where you have so much love to give and no one to give it to so you end up living pieces of yourself on people who dont deserve you.

_ The one where you feel a deep connection with someone who doesnt see you past their lust for you.

_ The one where you are constantly misunderstood.

_ The one where you and all your friends lowkey dont like each other but y’all are loney and non of you will admit that you all perfectly fill each others voids.

_ The one where you are surrounded by people but dont have authentic and meaningful relationship with them.

_ The one where all your friends have kids and suddenly you can’t relate to them anymore.

_ The one where you are surrounded by people that you cant be fully be yourself with.

_ The one where you finally decide to have your first child and the minute you bring them to the world you regret the rest of your life because you never planned on raising them all by yourself.

*Pick one and let me know how you deal with it.

Thank you for being here.

I have read countless number of books trying to figure out the concept of love and how it works. People have different journeys when it comes to love, from why they actually fall inlove to who they fall inlove with and when they decide that they no longer want to be in love. We as individuals often don’t understand these journeys and we often judge people based on what we see from the outside. Our perception and understanding of the term love differs because of learnt behaviours from when we were young. Love is learnt from a young age, the people you grow around are the biggest influence in your life when it comes to the way you love or perceive love.

If you have been following my previous posts you would know that I come from a rather dysfunctional polygamous family where love is almost non existent but a system for raising children and living together as a family. Expressions of affection whether Physical or emotional are seen as bizarre or foreign. I grew up in a family set up where tenderness and satisfaction of the needs of the other was absent or rather shared behind closed doors. There is this thing with Zulu men that if they show compassion to their partners it is seen as a sign of weakness and is shameful to the community at large. There is no desire for shared activities between two partners which almost makes me wonder how they come to making so many children and still remain firm in freely showing no intermacey towards each other.

-Black woman have always been magic.

Actually

-Zulu black woman lead as magicians.

I may not have a very strong foundation of love but the more “woke” I become the more I understand what it means to love n be loved in return. I have put so many years into this whole self love and healthy relationship with self thing that it takes alot for me to give into anything that doesn’t feel right. People are so Brocken out there and they are not even aware of it 🤞 before you know you are coght up in something that that has absolutely nothing to do with your growth. Choosing to be healthier is difficult but we are still entitled to love and gentleness when in the process. People often call it selfishness and isolation but it is important to know that you’re not entitled to their understanding.

I have had a couple of friendship and relationships that meant alot to me end Simply because I have never been one to settle or compromise. Having principles and knowing your worth is important when you’re in a long term healing journey. I have never felt entitled to anybody’s love and this has helped to easily let go of people who comes to my life without good intentions.

Please don’t get me wrong I love love, I am an easy going individual, adaptive and fun to be around but that doesn’t mean I want to be reckless and put myself in situations where my principles would be questioned. I cringe at the thought of heartbreak and I immediately remind myself that even if it takes me a lifetime to find true love I will always be satisfied with myself, even though my worst fear is hitting the age of thirty without having to live the dream of going on long drives with the love of my life while playing Rick Rocks “Aston Martin music”track on full blast. I know that dreams delayed are not dreams denied.

Thank you for being here ❣️

The more i grow the more difficult it becomes for me to keep the great FACADE at family lunches. 

Please don’t get me wrong i love my immediate family (mother, sisters, brother, nieces and nephews ) i would give up anything to have them around me more often. there’s no place like home, the feeling they give me is immeasurable. 

The depression comes from the extended family members ( the step mothers, the aunts, the uncles and the half siblings) it has become increasingly harder to take any of their phone calls and has got me to a point were i don’t take them at all. i fell like i genuinely have finally forgiven, understood and let go but there’s no foundation to lean back. i feel joy and relief for escaping and guilt for being the one that got away. 

I love the idea of being one big family and doing family things but i honestly don’t feel close to any of them and it becomes pointless at the end. i have struggled with this for many years before i arrived at a point of my enoughness. i love my mother and my sisters, my brother was my best friend growing up but ever since i decided to move to a different town we have drifted apart immensely, we talk once or twice a month and if i am lucky the conversation would go on for over five minutes. The family dynamics has costed me the time to bond with the ones i love. If i am home to see my mother i would not leave without seeing her sister wives and their children, it is considered rude and bizarre and has put me off over the years to a point where i would make up any excuse just so i wouldn’t go at all. 

I have spent two Christmases with friends and one alone as opposed to being at the Christmas lunches with family members who are secret and not so secret haters. i was raised with the concept  of family being all you have and forgiveness but i honestly don’t care for my family intensely the way it seems everyone else does. i cannot count the number of times i have prayed to God to bless me enough so i can take my mother and my sisters far away from there. All i wish for them is genuine happiness and not live in a space where their faith in God is tested in the most agonizing form of emotional abuse. I love how their spirits keeps fermenting though they get stronger as they grow, they are amazing. 

Christmas is coming up and i just had a conversation with my little sister the other day and i  was telling her how much i want to come home because i miss them and the kids so much but i cant help the exhaustion that comes with the thought of being around the whole family. I could tell she was hurt from the way she responded, she sighed and said “Fikile you have to protect your joy”. that cut deep, i was thinking what about her joy and everyone else’s then i thought to myself that if i do go this time i am really going to sacrifice my happiness just to see my mother, i know it will make her happy to see me there.

Its hard being an adult.

Then being black.

Then being from a polygamous family and being at a place where i can see that my mother is abused along with us and has impossible choices to make. I feel so much compassion for her shes doing her absolute best with the little resources that she has and for that i am grateful so as much as i feel it is important to protect ones joy i also feel like i need to be there for the people who genuinely show me love. 

Thank you for being here…